The above is the thing I do twice a day. A perfectly imperfect routine in which what I try to do that day is chosen at random by vibes. Feel depressed? try lmms! Feel happy? try krita! Feel doubtful about yourself? try writing something!

I can say that I am a creative person. A polymath, even. I dabble in many subjects and dive deep in random rabbit holes, none being related to the other (I am a nerd for French and Biology, for example. I can sing and also like eletronics). I can create a lot of stuff. In my mind©. I can compose songs, snippets, lyrics, images, app designs, choreography, music video ideas, concert props etc. I am creative. But 0% of what I "create" gets materialized into the real world. It feels like a paralysis, where the mind is thinking, working, but the body doesn't, cannot do said things.

I've felt like this for a while. May it be depression or just overall how I think and act upon ideas, I just cannot materialize what I imagine. And it's not that it's impossible. I am pretty meticulous when I want to and usually when I have this type of ideas I tend to think them pretty well, pretty possible, sometimes overthink. I have tried numerous times to learn how to draw. Do I learn traditional? Digital? Which do I learn first? Which helps me more? Which is more relaxing and less taxing on my health etc. I have watched tutorials, guides, tips and tricks but nothing seems to be able to help me trickle down the rainbow puke mushed up in my head onto a paper, a computer screen. And the usual just get up and draw doesn't work. Most of these tutorials are done for normal people. People that don't over think how their bread should be toasted or how they step on the crosswalk so they avoid stepping on cracks and gaps in the pavement (it's a fun thing, try it). As soon as I start one of those tutorials I get rushed by overthinking thoughts, How do I draw this? What style? What crayon do I use? Do i use classic or mechanical pencil? What length? Is the paper good? until I give up, burnt out from my own thoughts.

I close the browser tab, switch workspaces, open another browser window, open lmms and bespoke synth, move either one to the next workspace.

I have really found my place with Dubstep and overall harder styles of EDM. They're full of rythm and bass. Two of the things that I like. If you crank them loud enough, you cannot hear your thoughts anymore! (what a great invention of the 21st century!) I like it a lot and listen to it even more. Lately I've been looking into joining the creator community, joining streams, discords, comments and sometimes I even picked up actually useful stuff (thanks Bossfight) but whenever I pull up lmms or bespoke (or lately Bitwig) it feels like I cannot move my cursor around the screen. It's not that the ideas aren't there, it's just that I cannot seem to build it into the real world. Not that I do not know how, it's just that I'm paralysed, as if my body is trying to stop my mind from doing something useful, discovering a new hobby maybe, a source of income, who knows?! How do I make a drill sound in bespoke? Why doesn't it sound okay? Why doesn't it sound like I imagined it?! Why am I so useless at creating stuff even though I can easily imagine it and plan it?!

I rest my head on the keyboard. I sigh, close all windows, open terminal > poweroff